Chapter 13: When The Past Calls, Answer. It Has Something Important To Say.

I remember waking up to what felt like my heart beating out of my chest.  And after a week of acting strange, being distant and feeling disconnected with myself, I finally realized why.  That realization took me by surprise.  Because, well, I have been doing so well.  But after admitting to myself that the very thought of going back into that MRI machine was a source of vulnerability, it all started to make sense.  As I laid still with an IV in my arm, a cage over my face, and ear plugs in place, my mind went back to that day on August 26, 2016.  And although I only tear from one eye since surgery, I felt as though the machine was soaked as my worry started to kick in.

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I watched the MRI techs closely through the little mirror they provide.  And with every facial expression they made, every time they looked at one another and anytime they picked up the phone, I couldn’t help but assume that something was going wrong.  But I have come so far?  I no longer know the anxious person this tumour turned me into?  And it was then that I realized that it’s not over – even though I have been acting like it is.

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Because I want this to be over.  I want this to be solely part of my past.  But why is it that these exams, appointments and phone calls saying your results have come in, heighten these feelings that I felt before?  Why is it that the intense work I have done through introspection to overcome crumbled so quickly at the face of fear once again?

Oftentimes, we look to the past because it is less devastating than the present moment.  But for me, it’s the opposite.  Everything is different, everything is new.  In fact, I look in the mirror and may look the same, but I am not the same.  I look around and my home is different, my city is different, I have many new people entering my life.  So why is it that a single moment in time can flash me right back into a cold, dark place even though i’m not that person anymore? Do I fear moving forward? Or, do I fear the past repeating itself?

I had a conversation with a friend the other day that really stood out in my mind.  I was telling her of all the things that I have learned over this year of adversity and how I see this wisdom as a gift.  She reminded me of something so simple, something I rarely give myself credit for.  The simple reminder that the reason I see these events as a gift was because I made the clear decision to do so.  That it was a choice to grow – rather than to stay in the past.

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The past that I had no control over.  The past that was filled with fear, sorrow, depression and a constant state of anxiety.  And by making the choice to let go of the pain to begin the healing process, I learned many things along the way.  Like the fact that sometimes it has to get harder before it gets better.  And that sometimes it’s not the decisions we have to make, but the indecision about them that haunts us.  And that even though it feels like it’s the big picture in life that matters, it’s actually not.  It’s the small moments that shape us, guide our path, and bring us joy so long as we chose see it that way.

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Like the moment I decided to leave town for a week because I couldn’t bare my reality at home.  And the moment I met someone on that trip who has proceeded to help me heal deep wounds through the work that she does.  Or the moment I said yes to a meditation class that led me to like-minded souls who have since become my friends.  Or, the fact that I voiced my desire to write a book to the right person, at the right time – who happened to know of a workshop for such the very next week.

Moments like these ones are what life is all about.  When we say yes to healing and growing, magical things start to happen.  Like how I said hello to a stranger at the pool only to learn that we coincidently share the same creative vision.  And that by simply saying hi, we have both made room in our lives for a business we plan to create that will positively impact the lives of many.

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So today, I chose to see this time of uncertainty in a different way.  I recognize that the moments that I am brought back to the past are simply just to remind me of how far i’ve come.  They are there to bring me back to a temporary place of vulnerability so that I can relate to others with utmost compassion.  They are reminding me to have trust, not only in the health care professionals, but in the divine guidance I have been receiving all along – even when my struggle made me question that.

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Whether my tumour has started to grow back or not, I will be okay.  And not because I know what’s going to happen or that I can predict the future, but I know that I am not alone.  I know that at one point my greatest challenges were centered around losing my hearing and balance.  But today, I understand I had to lose my balance to learn how to live a more balanced life.  And, I had to lose my hearing to learn how to listen to the voice within.  I know for certain that the nudges i’ve received all along, including the one to start this blog, have been from my soul, calling me to my purpose and have shaped me into someone beautifully new.

I sit here today happy, healthy and overwhelmed with a sense of ease.  Because i’ve realized that the very struggle I thought caused me to lose my way, happened to be the very thing I needed to find it.   And what beautiful gifts I have received – the realization that the past does serve meaning.  And when I go back to that place of anxiety that I once felt, I am reminded of my strength and how I made the right choice when I decided to save myself.

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The past.  A robber of the present moment and a simple reminder of your inner strength.

Thanks for reading! If you felt inspired please comment and click the share button below!
Love,
Meagan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Chapter 13: When The Past Calls, Answer. It Has Something Important To Say.

  1. Great genuine and raw post Meagan! I love “I understand I had to lose my balance to learn how to live a more balanced life. And, I had to lose my hearing to learn how to listen to the voice within.” So amazing to witness your awareness and growth ❤ and it is a great reminder for me to be present to the blessings in my challenges!

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  2. Pingback: Chapter 13: When The Past Calls, Answer. It Has Something Important To Say. – It's Only Wafer Thin

  3. Your philosophy of positivity and looking for the lesson is inspiring and applicable to the many problems we face in 5ge joueney of life.
    I admire your skill as a writer.

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  4. Love this! I love your brutal honesty and realness. You are an inspiration to anyone who is going through a traumatic experience or simply needs to be reminded of what’s truly important in life.

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  5. Reading this blog has really helped me with everything I am going through at the moment. I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumour, and being able to connect with you has been super helpful. I admire your strength and I am going to strive to be as positive as you are through all of this. Thank you!

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    • Beautiful. Thank you so much. I am so honoured that my writing is able to help you through. It has truly been a positive coping mechanism and I hope you find something that helps you through your journey too ❤️

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  6. Another beautifully crafted piece of art in which you share yourself while inspiring others. Amazing my friend, simply amazing.
    Loads of love.
    Sam

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  7. Love to you….written from the heart…this is your gift…..as you unconditionally help others while helping yourself. 7/21/16 was a challenging day for us as our beloved only sister, daughter, sister-in-law, friend never awoke post-GBM reduction surgery, but slipped into her princess-like sleep dreaming of the stars & Fantasy stories she so enjoyed writing for others. She too was hesitant about embarking into the unknown..I hoped she could have had more time to do so. God Bless you! for your courage in journeying on & sharing.

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    • Hi Doris! I am so sorry for the delay in response. I am so, so sorry to hear about your loved one who had fallen victim to the horrible disease. May her legacy and memories forever be in your heart. stories like this motivate me to continue writing… to provide hope not only to those experiencing but their families as well…
      love to you!!!!

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  8. I just read your journey and it is comforting to see that (as corny as it may sound) life goes on. I found out about my AN 3 years ago and I am on watch and wait. I had probably the worst Christmas that year as the doctor suspected Multiple Sclerosis or brain tumor and I was waiting the results to come in. As another yearly MRI date approaches the anxiety is building up… although I have put an enormous effort to practicing mindfulness and being grateful. As life has thrown also other overwhelming things on my plate past three years it is sometimes so hard to have a peace of mind. Especially the days when spinning sensation occurs, nausea bothers, I feel drunk and have headaches. (My doctor told me AN doesn’t cause pain but I beg to differ) Reading peoples’ blogs is calming on on side but also making me sad. Most journey descriptions are from US.
    I am from a small European country so if my tumor progresses then there are not many specialists to treat it here. The best reassurance from the doc was that they have two other patients without any growth fro ten years 😀 Although we have well developed medical care, the population is so small that this type of tumor treatment is really rare. All of this uncertainty really sucks. I am writing this not to get pity but anyone out there having same emotions- know you are not alone.
    Meagan, thank you for sharing your journey, this helped me to get through today.

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